St. Cloud, MN. — A prison escape in St. Cloud yesterday had all the action and drama of a real movie, and that is maybe because it was actually based on one. Authorities believe escapee 54 year old Paul Horner used scenes directly from The Shawshank Redemption to escape from the Minnesota Correctional Facility in St. Cloud on Tuesday. Guards found Horner missing during the morning’s cell check. When they searched his cell they found a bible that had been cut out specifically for a tool such as a rock hammer. They also found a poster on the wall that when removed revealed a hole that led directly out of the prison.

“There was always a different girly poster on his wall,” said Gary Fulton, a 24 year veteran guard of the prison. “Sometimes during our surprise inspections I would reference the poster and make a joke about tunneling out of the prison. Then Horner would quote a line from Shawshank Redemption and we’d both laugh. It turns out he actually was tunneling out of the prison.” Fulton continued, “I always thought it would take a man 600 years to tunnel through these walls. Paul Horner did it in less than twenty.”

The prison in St. Cloud that Horner escaped from is a level four, close-security institution. It has an inmate population of about 1,000 men and was built in 1889. This is only the second escape to happen in the prison’s history.

Tom Davis, who is the warden at the prison, talked to reporters at a press conference this afternoon. “Paul Horner always claimed it was a one armed man who killed his wife. Well, that’s from the movie The Fugitive, not The Shawshank Redemption.” Davis continued, “We think he’s either headed towards Zihuatanejo, Mexico where he plans to buy a boat to fix up so he can take guests charter fishing, or he’s going to find the one-arm man who killed his wife. I wish he would have left a note or something so we would know what movie he’s copying exactly.” Davis finished the press conference by saying, “I’m disappointed in myself and my staff today. I know for a fact that we’ve all seen those two movies like a thousand times. This incident should have been prevented.”

Deputy James Wellington, a U.S. Marshal, spoke briefly to police this morning before beginning the search for Horner. “Alright, listen up, people. What I want from each and every one of you is a hard-target search of every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, hen-house, outhouse and doghouse in the area. Checkpoints go up at fifteen miles. Your fugitive’s name is Dr. Paul Horner. Go get him.”

Washington, D.C. — President Obama made headlines again when he shocked reporters by stating that he enjoys listening to the band Nickelback. These gay comments of his come just days after he announced in an interview with ABC News that he supports gay marriage. While his comment about gay marriage was literally a gay comment, these new comments about Nickelback are just gay.

“I think Nickelback is pretty good,” Obama told reporters at Sunday’s press conference. “I think they have a lot of talent and I believe most folks don’t care for them just because it’s the popular thing to do.”

Reporters were quick to argue with the president and his gay comment. Paul Horner from The New York Times said, “Mr. President, I beg of you not to share these gay opinions of yours with the American people. Nickelback perpetuates the sadness of honoring mediocre and un-original, non-creative music. They have blast beats, growled vocals and every one of their songs sound exactly the same. The longer Nickelback is allowed to play venues, the longer our country will continue to suffer.”

The gay comments by Obama didn’t end there. “My favorite song by Nickelback is probably Rockstar,” Obama said. “It’s got a catchy beat and an excellent music video that accompanies it. Plus I think it brings out the true rockstar in us all. If you haven’t heard it, I highly recommend it.”

The scene at the press conference turned from bad to worse when riots broke out after the president revealed that he was wearing a Nickelback shirt underneath his suit. Leading the group of rioters is Stephen Andrews, journalist for The Washington Herald. “Our demands are simple,” said Andrews. “It’s imperative that Obama withdrawal his gay comments about Nickelback and burn that t-shirt immediately. Our country already has enough problems right now, we don’t need a president who likes Nickelback too.”

Before ending the press conference Obama did one last gay thing and announced the touring dates and locations for upcoming Nickelback concerts. Obama then instructed his staff to put out the fires in the room that were set by reporters. Five people were arrested and the death toll now stands at eleven.

Jacksonville NC. — More controversial news is coming out of North Carolina, this time it’s a law making it an actual crime to be gay. The previous day saw the state approve an amendment banning gay marriage and now with this new law it makes being gay a felony. Voters approved the new law by a 58%-42% margin with all counties reporting, according to returns from the State Board of Elections.

“We can’t change the results of this vote, but we can determine what comes next,” said Jasmine Beach-Ferrara, director of Campaign for Southern Equality. “When kids across the state wake up, I want them to know that this story isn’t over. We will repeal this new law.”

At a press conference this morning Paul Horner, founder of the Christian group ‘God Protects Marriage’, said the state has already begun shipping some offenders of the new law out by train. “If police catch you being gay, you will be rounded up, put on a train and sent to a camp where authorities will then deal with you accordingly.” Horner explains, “I have nothing against gay people. Trust me, this is what god would want.”

Reporters asked Horner if these gay camps were similar to the camps once used by the Nazis. “No of course not, why would you say that? We’re just moving them all out to their own place so they can romp and play and do whatever gay people do,” Horner said. “I don’t have a problem with gay people. You can be gay, just not in North Carolina, gross.”

Police are going door to door this morning looking for any signs of gay activity. “Whether it be a cocked wrist, a lisp or even a Cold Play album, we will find you,” said Jacksonville Police Chief Mike Davis. “If we see you being fruity in anyway you will be arrested. We’re just trying to keep our children safe.”

“You can marry your cousin in North Carolina. Google that information,” said Tom Watkins, 41, of Greensboro. “I’m moving to a different state.”

Penalties in North Carolina are strict says opponents of the new law. A first time offense for being gay carries a mandatory 30 days in jail. Repeat offenders, such as those getting caught being gay a second or third time will see a much stricter sentence.

To report any gay activity in your area, please contact the North Carolina Gay-Be-Gone tip line. There are rewards depending on the information you provide and as always, you can remain anonymous.

Phone # 857-288-3500

Washington, D.C. — Fans of hip hop were in for a surprise Saturday when a user of the popular website Tumblr received one of the United States’ highest civilian honors that a president can award. 82 year old Donovan Strain was given the Presidential Medal of Freedom for pin pointing the exact date that rapper Ice Cube was referring to in his hit song from the 90′s entitled ‘It Was a Good Day’.

While presenting the award President Barack Obama said, “I’m proud to give this award to Donovan Strain. His courage and excellent detective skills are honored here today. I just love that song and I’ve always wondered what the actual good day that Ice Cube was referring to. Thanks to Donovan, now we all know.”

When asked how he came up with the date of Ice Cube’s good day, Strain said, “In the song he says that he went to Short Dog’s house and they were watching Yo MTV Raps. That show didn’t air until August 6th, 1988. Ice Cube’s song didn’t come out until February 23rd, 1993.” Strain continues, “During the song he says the Lakers beat the Super Sonics. So if you match up the days that Yo MTV Raps aired during that time span and basketball games where the Lakers beat the Super Sonics it will give you a grand total of twelve dates. Then by checking the weather on those dates for days that had no smog, just like in the song, you’ll narrow those twelve down to four possible dates.”

Reporters questioned Strain how he knew which of the four possible dates was the actually date that Ice Cube was rapping about. “This is where it got interesting,” Strain said. “Ice Cube says that he got a beep from Kim, and she can f*ck all night. Beepers weren’t adopted by mobile phone companies until the 1990′s. The dates then left where mobile beepers were available to the public are January 18th, 1991 and January 20th, 1992. Ice Cube starred in the film Boyz In The Hood that was being filmed in 1990 and early 1991. He would have been too busy on set filming the movie January 18th, 1991 to be lounging around the streets with no plans.” Strain proudly raises his hands in the air and a smile emerges on his face, “So ladies and gentlemen, the only day when Yo MTV Raps was on the air, it was a clear and smogless day, beepers were commercially sold, the Lakers beat the Super Sonics and Ice Cube had no events to attend was… January 20th, 1992.”

Ice Cube was on hand at the awards ceremony for Strain. When asked by reporters what he thought of the day’s events he responded by saying, “I don’t really see what the big deal is here. If the president wanted to know the date that I was rapping about in the song he could have just asked me. I’m happy for Donovan I guess.”

Demonstrators lined the White House for hours protesting the song that Obama was presenting the award for. Paul Horner, protest organizer said, “So because Ice Cube didn’t have to use his A.K., that made it a good day for him? How could anyone relate to this song?”

Asked what his plans are for the future, Strain said, “Right now I’m working on finding an answer to a question that has been keeping me up late at night. What if the boys were already on their way to the yard, and the milkshakes had nothing to do with it?”

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Provo, UT — Today the lottery drawing of all lottery drawings was held in Provo, Utah. The Mormon council of elders handed down Mitt Romney’s fate for eternity, and he was not pleased.

Romney’s anger centered around a little-known fact about the Mormon religion that is unbeknownst to most people. The Mormons believe that when a man dies he becomes a god of his own universe. The man is then accompanied by a dozen or more woman who remain eternally pregnant. Romney, a lifetime Mormon and one of the religions biggest financial contributors, says he is extremely displeased with the results of today’s lottery. “This is ridiculous,” Romney said at a press conference this afternoon. “They gave me some crap universe with no life in it whatsoever. It’s made up of mostly gaseous planets, I mean there’s nothing there. It’s going to be billions of boring years before anything actually good happens. Yeah and don’t even get me started about the eternally pregnant wives I’ll be bringing with me. If anyone of those girls gets down below three hundred pounds by the time this actually happens I’ll be extremely surprised.”

58 year old Susan Litchey, who is a big Mitt Romney supporter, said she’s happy for him getting his own universe in the afterlife. “As a longtime Christian, Mitt’s religion and my own are actually very similar. So what if he’s going to be god of his own universe when he dies, I think that’s really neat,” Litchey said. “These people that don’t agree with him are just jealous because they probably want to be god of their own universe too. Personally I hope I get selected as one of his eternally pregnant wives.”

“This is what the Mormons actually believe,” says Paul Horner who is an ex-member of the Mormon religion. “I was a Mormon for 30 years. It’s a religion created by a guy named Joseph Smith who was a liar and a cheat. He started the religion for money and woman, that’s all,” Horner explains. “They roped me in with the idea that it’s just like Christianity. They don’t tell you all these weird secrets until years later. My whole life became about them so when I finally decided to leave, I had no one left to fall back on. It was really tough.” Horner continues, “I can’t believe Romney’s religion hasn’t become more of an issue in these elections. Christians that are voting for this guy because they think his beliefs are on par with their own are extremely mistaken. Or they just don’t want to vote for a black guy as president, which if I had to guess, is 80% of what’s actually behind all of Romney’s popularity.”

“The women they selected as my eternally pregnant wives are big girls and definitely not very appealing to the eyes. I’m seriously doubting my faith today,” Romney said. “I’ve actually been thinking about joining the Muslim religion, but the idea of 72 virgins when I die…jeez, that just sounds like a lot of work to me. Maybe I’ll join Scientology? Xenu the Galactic Overlord and Tom Cruise can’t be any worse than my doomed fate.”

Austin, TX. — A Texas billionaire is making news by starting his own presidential campaign of sorts. For the past few months Texas native Paul Horner has been hard at work on a campaign that he calls, Check None Of The Above. “What I’m doing is showing my disgruntlement for the options the American people have when it comes to choosing their next president,” Horner said at a press conference in Austin this afternoon. “I don’t like Obama and I don’t like Romney. I say check none of the above.”

45 year old Mitch Reynolds said, “We just love what Paul Horner is doing. He’s been placing ads in newspapers and he’s even putting up billboards. It’s exactly like that movie Brewster’s Millions from the 80′s with Richard Pryor and John Candy.”

“I’m doing this for all the Americans out there who are left with two bad choices for president in this upcoming election.” Horner continues, “I’m also getting really tired of people saying that what I’m doing is like what they did in Brewster’s Millions. I came up with this idea all by myself, it has nothing to do with that movie.”

“Everything he’s doing is exactly like that movie Brewster’s Millions,” Sarah Bellignton a long time resident of Austin said. “Paul Horner received all this money as an inheritance from his great-uncle and he needs to spend it all in 30 days to get his actual inheritance or he gets nothing. But there’s a catch to all of this, Paul can’t buy anything tangible. So he’s been spending his money on things like a rare stamp that he actually mailed to someone. He also paid the New York Yankees a huge amount of money to play against his baseball team in an exhibition game and now he’s starting this presidential campaign. I think it’s a great move on Horner’s part to spend the money on something like this. A campaign like this will cost millions and every dollar spent will bring him that much closer to his actual inheritance.”

Horner told reporters, “I don’t play for a baseball team that is playing exhibition games with the Yankees. This is not money I received from a great uncle and I have not been mailing letters to people with rare stamps on them. People are making this out to be much more than it actually is. I just don’t want Obama or Romney in the White House come next year, it’s as simple as that.”

Kevin Harding from San Antonio said, “I wonder if Paul Horner will be able to spend all of his money before the 30 days is up and claim his true inheritance or will he walk away with nothing? I can’t wait to find out what happens!”

Horner said, “The money I’m using for this campaign is not money that I received from an inheritance. I don’t have 30 days to spend a certain amount of money or I lose a bigger inheritance. Let me again reiterate what this is about. I don’t want Barack Obama or Mitt Romney in the White House after this upcoming election, so when voting, I say check none of the above.”

The press conference ended abruptly when Horner physically assaulted a reporter from Fox News after he was asked if he knew anything about a possible sequel to Brewster’s Millions happening in the near future.

Kabul, Afghanistan — An Afghan man was found not guilty Wednesday by a Tribunal of his elders for the gruesome murder of his wife of 42 years. The man, 54 year old Aasif Zawaydeh, apparently had choked his wife to death, cut her body up and fed it to the family dog. His defense was that she sent him too many game requests on Facebook and because of this she needed to die. The man says his wife knew he didn’t like the Avengers movie and kept sending him game requests for it on Facebook even after repeatedly telling her to stop.

Zawaydeh explained to the Tribunal, “I told her numerous times to stop sending me these stupid Facebook game requests for Avengers Alliance but she never listened.” Zawaydeh continued, “I yelled at her, I beat her, I raped her, I let my brother rape her, I let the neighbors rape her, I let the village rape her and still she kept sending me these damn game requests for Avengers Alliance. I don’t like using Facebook except to stay in contact with old friends from my militia and she knew this. I don’t like the Avengers movie and I especially don’t want to play the stupid game on Facebook.”

The Tribunal voted 12-0 unanimously in favor of the man saying that he was justified in the killing of his wife.

48 year old Steven Edwards from England who’s in Afghanistan because of work was at the trial when the verdict came in. “What is wrong with these people? I have to get the fu*k out of this country right now.”

At a press conference in New York this morning Paul Horner, the president of PGF or People against Games on Facebook said, “This is just one of the many problems that can arise when people send game requests on Facebook. Your annoying friend on Facebook gets the brilliant idea that maybe you want to stop doing what you’re doing and help them build a cartoon barn or plant a field of carrots. So they send you a game request and then you have to log in to Facebook to see what your friend sent. You see it’s something you could absolutely care less about, you get mad and then you wanna kill them. Eventually what happened in Afghanistan is going to happen somewhere else. It’s only a matter of time.”

Virginia Beach, VA. — In a shocking move, 82 year old televangelist Pat Robertson announced to his followers that he is in fact gay. “I hesitated coming out for a while. I thought god would strike me down if I did. Then when I finally announced the news, nothing happened. God must still love me. I encourage all of the other confused souls out there to come out with me and be your true selves. God will still love you, I promise.”

52-year-old Paul Horner who is a member of the choir group for Robertson’s congregation said, “We always knew he was gay. He would take these long vacations and cruises with his ‘friend’ Manual. Also at work instead of the normal ‘casual Friday’, he would call it ‘fabulous Friday’. Plus no one can spew that much hate towards gay people without actually being gay themselves.”

Robertson told reporters, “I know I’ve said a lot of hurtful, mean and evil things to the gay community in the past and for that I’m truly sorry. My hatred of gays was just me being mad at myself.” Robertson continued, “I didn’t know if I was actually gay for a long time. I was afraid to be who I really was. Then I started having feelings for the young Brazilian boy that I had been sleeping with and that’s when I knew.”

“Growing up I always knew he was gay,” Robertson’s youngest daughter Laura Robertson said. “He always had his ‘friend’ Glenn over and they were always hanging out in the guest house. They would stay out there for days, we would never see them. My dad would tell me they were just writing new sermons or something, but I knew. We all knew.”

“I always knew he was gay,” Pat Robertson’s wife of 48 years Sheila Robertson said. “During sex he would sometimes have me dress up as a construction worker and talk in a deep voice. It was really weird, but hey, the congregation made Pat and I a lot of money. It bought us a lot of nice things, so I just kind of went with it and didn’t ask any questions.”

“My wife and I always knew he was gay,” Ben Jenkins who was a neighbor of Pat Robertson for twenty years said. “We would always see young men coming and going from his house at weird hours of the night. Also one time he asked me if I was into men and when I said no he grabbed my hand and tried putting it on his private area. He then pulled down his pants and showed me a tattoo on his left butt cheek with my name right below an image of Jesus. Plus I get a dozen roses from him every Valentine’s Day, so yeah.”

During Robertson’s coming out sermon this weekend he laid out an action plan of new changes for his congregation:

• Gay toy drives

• More ‘fabulous’ decorations for the church

• Food drives for the gay homeless

• ‘Gay Marriage Wednesday’, as Pat calls it. He says he’ll be overseeing weddings for gay men and woman in the area free of charge

• Instead of the red wine that is typically used at his sermons, Pat says now they’ll be using Chardonnay

• Changing the word ‘congregation’ to ‘congregaytion’

Robertson was asked what he’s going to do now after coming out of the closet, “I’m excited for the future,” he said. “First of all I’m shutting down my gay-to-straight conversion summer camps. I’m closing them and re-opening them as places that encourage one’s true sexuality. I’m renaming one of my biggest camps from ‘Camp Old Testament’ and changing it to ‘Camp Come-Out’.” Robertson finished his sermon by saying, “I can’t wait to get with more dudes, Amen.”

After signing NTACT into law, President Obama stated, “This is a great first step in putting an end to this nightmare that has plagued our country for so long now. Marijuana is a destructor of families and communities. By getting to the source of the problem, the actual marijuana user, I think we can finally win the war on drugs. God willing, no one will ever use marijuana again.”

U.S. Representative Lamar S. Smith, who introduced the bill into Congress said, “Marijuana users think they can sit around all day, smoke their reefer, eat fattening foods and watch their stupid television shows… well, not on my watch. Now with the threat of torture, I seriously doubt marijuana addicts will have the guts to smoke their drugs again.”

Obama went on to restate his position by saying, “I want to be clear. If a state legalizes marijuana, this law will still affect those residents. I’m sure you’re already well aware, that I won’t hesitate to send DEA agents into states that have already legalized the drug. It doesn’t matter if marijuana is legal in your state or not, or who you are, if you make the choice to use marijuana, we will find you and we will waterboard you.” Obama went on to say, “With a marijuana arrest before, you might have just lost all your possessions, family and gone to prison. Thanks to this new bill I signed into law today, you’re now also going to get waterboarded. I’ve already passed The National Defense Act (NDAA), which allows us to send American citizens to jail for an infinite amount of time with no lawyer, judge or jury, so I think you should know by now that I’m not one to mess with.”

Paul Horner, one of Obama’s presidential advisers on the matter told the press today, “There’s just too many special interests out there that are making too much money because of marijuana’s illegal status. Do you have any idea how much money those lobbyists and special interest groups would stand to lose if we suddenly legalized marijuana? They would lose a lot. Sure our economy would probably improve if we taxed and regulated it, but the super-elite, the %1, are the ones who get hurt here. They are the ones we listen to.” Horner continued, “You can’t just make things like hemp legal. Pretty soon you wouldn’t have to cut down trees, then what are all the loggers out there going to do? You have to think about things like that. We see the big picture here at the White House. That’s why I’m up on stage holding a press conference and you’re down there writing everything that I’m saying.”

Danny Simmons from the DEA had this to say, “I don’t think there’s anyone I work with that isn’t excited about this law being passed. I think it’s going to be hilarious waterboarding a pot head, they are already so paranoid to begin with. The looks on their faces are gonna be priceless. They’ll be like, ah don’t kill me, I’ll tell you whatever you want to know.” Simmons laughs, “How awesome are things going to be now.”

Ben Thomas, a spokesman for Horner Airlines said, “In this tough economic climate, people want to travel but just can’t afford to. Now thanks to Mitt Romney and our ‘Work to Fly’ program they can. Mitt Romney is making dreams come true.”

Martha Jones from Mississippi was one of the first people to take part in the program. She went with her husband on an all-expense-paid trip to Hawaii. She said, “We always wanted to visit Hawaii but just couldn’t afford it. Thanks to this program we were finally able to go.” She then goes on to explain what kind of work they did to get the free trip. “My husband and I spent one day digging ditches around a sewage treatment plant of Romney’s and then another day working as correctional officers for a privately owned prison of his in Texas. Those working credits added up to two round trip tickets to Waikiki and free hotel accommodations right on the beach. It was so beautiful and our marriage needed that. It was falling apart before all of this but thanks to this romantic getaway, we’ve never been happier. I truly believe Mitt Romney saved our marriage.”

At a press conference this afternoon to announce the deal Mitt Romney said, “Throughout all my years I’ve fired so many people and paid so little in taxes. Now I can have people work for me for free too. I’m just thrilled.”

The president of Horner Airlines finished the press conference by saying, “We currently have jobs available in all 50 states for this ‘Work to Fly’ program. There are different plans for different free flights and hotel stays. The more work you do for Mitt Romney translates into more free flights and accommodations. Contact a representative today.”

Phone # 857-288-3500
Use coupon code: FLY FOR FREE